Obstinate Transformation

Obstinate Transformation -

Flu AGAIN and Cats

Well this time I’m including two bouts with the damned flu this year! OMG! I can’t wait to feel NORMAL again! After we had Thibby put to sleep I had about a week of being depressed than WHAM the kid and I got that hideous flu. Lasted two weeks. Thank God for Mucinex products! We get over it and Richard never gets it. He had the flu shot at work. Well down the line about 2 or 3 weeks ago he starts coughing and sneezing. He takes off a few days, actually works at home, and goes back to work. Mistake. The next Monday I think and he’s totally wiped out with this shit. I TOLD him to stay home this time. He had to get over that horrendous cough or I was dragging him to the Doctor! Bought him some Mucinex crap. Not the right one so I ended up going to the store, in the rain, to get more and to shop before the bad weather. A couple of days later and I’m coughing and sneezing. FUCK. Thank God I’ve had the cats to help me get through it this time! Oh yeah… we got two cats…

We hemmed and hawed about getting another cat. We talked about going to this place in Yukon. I was going into cat withdrawal.. I was hitting the LOLcats site every hour! ;) Then I started thinking about going to the OKC shelter to look for one. I’d been looking at their site online and my attention had been drawn to one in particular. She was black and 8 years old. Her name was “KitChat”. Over a period of maybe two weeks she sat in the back of my mind. I looked at her page one day and it said she could be seen at a local petsmart. OMG! THey were trying to pawn off MY CAT on someone else! I told Richard I had my eye on one out at the shelter. He said let’s go. We did everything we needed to do, shampooed the carpet with enzyme crap, cleaned really well and sprayed to there wouldn’t be territorial issues. We finally went out there and they keep the cats in rooms with glass walls. The poor things are exposed to all the noise of the people, etc. They all seemed subdued. I love black cats and was leaning towards getting two black cats. First room I went in there was Kitchat sitting face down in a bed. I walked up to her and talked to her. Noticed she had dry skin problems. (Thibby had it so that was no problem.) Told her I’d be back and we grabbed her information which told us she’d been taken and RETURNED. I
walked into the next one and there was the cutest little male tabby talking to me. If he’d been female I would have adopted him in a heartbeat. He was so cute. But then I noticed another black cat walking towards me. She let me pick her up and she meoowed at me. Her name was Aztika and she was 2 1/2 years old and had been front declawed. Grabbed her info and went to pay for them.

When it was time to pick up Kitchat I was shocked. The cat weighs 14.5 pounds. She’s a chunk and IMO she’s a petite cat. We got them home and let them out and they’ve been pretty good. They do NOT respond to their supposed names so we’re working on renaming them. They’re being named after Richard’s Grandmother Mabel and Mabel’s Mother Isabella (Bella).

Bella, the heavy 8 year old, meows at you and tries to herd you into the kitchen to feed her. If you go in the kitchen she parks her butt in there and meows at you all the time. She’s learning it won’t do any good. She’s on a diet now. Our vet suggested some diet science diet food. She’s NOT happy. lol Other than some tartar on her teeth she said she’s very healthy.

Now Mabel has some issues. She was a stray and we think she did what she had to to survive with no front claws. She ate out of the trash. So she has a thing about plastic. She will also slap food out of your hands. She’s really interested in human food. She’s also skittish. She has the most beautiful huge eyes and when she’s startled you KNOW IT! They look almost anime when she’s startled. We’re dealing with her issues. I caught her dragging a piece of plastic behind her trying to hide it. I grabbed it which promptly pissed her off. lol She also has had a broken tail. The tip is bent. The top photo is Bella. The bottom one is Mabel.



They look so much alike that the Vet asked if they were litter mates. Oh and the reason given for returning Bella to the shelter? She wasn’t “social enough”. My ass! If anything she’s too social. I told the worker at the shelter I had no intention of returning either one of them. We’d accept them problems and all. Hell, I kept a cat for 14 years that liked to pee on sofas and beds. I spent all that time moving plastic from a bed in the morning to a sofa at night. Surely I can deal with whatever is wrong with these two.

“Open floor plans”

(Still dealing with this weekends sadness so I’m writing about another topic to distract myself…)

I’ve been tinkering with a home design program playing with ideas for our “dream house”. Hopefully, someday before I attain room temperature, we’ll build it. Also been reading design websites to research different aspects of homes.

The thing I’ve noticed is that the open floor plan (kitchen/living/dining/family room in one) war is nasty. I should confess when I first started researching I wanted an open floor plan. But then I started seeing comments that I could relate to. The problem with noise, having to be extra clean, smells. I’m partially deaf so that could be an issue too.

Some of the open floor plan fans can be downright nasty. They equate a closed kitchen with a “horrors” return to the 50′s or leave it to beaver! Really? Because I don’t feel the need to share the smell of cabbage cooking or having grease collect on a big screen tv that makes me a 50′s drudge? Wow. Well two can play at that game. IMO, I think the open floor plan push is based on contractors and home designers wanting to make smaller floor plans look larger. I also think that it’s based on the modern 2 parent working families. They spend so little time together that they believe they must squeeze as much time together as possible. Including being in the same room. All the bullshit about resale value doesn’t matter is as my Husband and I believe we want a multi-generational home. It will be passed on to our son and his family. If you’re not planning on selling it it doesn’t really matter.

I have NO problem with someone wanting an open floor plan. I also have NO problem with someone wanting doors on their kitchen. Don’t let designers/architects push you into choosing things you don’t want. It’s YOUR HOME, not theirs. And don’t let some no named nobody on the internet push you into a choice you don’t want because they think you won’t be cool if you’re different.

Haven’t we left that mentality behind on the school playground for God’s sakes?


For the first time in 15 years we are catless.

Before Thanksgiving Beaudreaux (Boo) went into a sharp decline. She started losing weight, didn’t eat, didn’t use the cat pan, etc. Both of our girls were around 20 years old. The only thing Boo did was sleep. She could barely walk. I knew what was wrong so we took her to the vet. I wish we’d taken her somewhere other than the place we took her. (We’re in OKC.) The vet wanted to do x-rays, wanted to pull teeth (which she’d already done not a month before.. very rough on the old girl!), wanted to try and treat her. Jesus Christ I could tell the cat was actively dying. My husband refused treatment and demanded that they put her down to spare her any more suffering. (I couldn’t go in.. I was so broken hearted.) They did as he asked. I said goodbye to her and told her that my Mother would meet her. (She was an even bigger cat person than I am.. she loved cat so much.) Told her that Mama would take care of her for us until we met again. It was so hard. You see for 13 or 14 years I’d lived with Boo and her quirks. Both of them, Boo and Thibideaux (Thibby), were abused. We rescued them. Poor Boo had bathroom issues. She’d pee on the couch or our bed. She was a sweet cat and couldn’t help it. For 13 years I put thick plastic sheeting over the bed during the day and switched it to the sofa at night to protect them. When I threw the plastic sheeting away that day I cried. Boo was an oddball. She’d lick the plastic bag the potatoes came in. After her death I caught myself thinking I needed to put the potatoes up so she couldn’t lick the bag. Out of the corner of my eye I’d “see” her sitting in her spot on the end of the couch. It’s been so damned hard. This weekend it got worse..

Thibby started having trouble breathing. It was very labored. I had an idea what it was and deep in my heart knew what was coming. We took her to the vet Saturday morning. She confirmed my fears. Congestive heart failure. I lost it and asked the Vet if we could put her down to end her suffering. I was crying and sobbing. The vet agreed that it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t stay to the end I was so upset so my Husband stayed with her. I hugged Thibby, told her I loved her, told her she’d be with Boo and went to the waiting room with my son. This is harder than losing Boo. Thibby was my black kitty and she was my favorite. She was a clown. She loved her kitty toy and chasing the laser pen light. For over 13 years she’d refused to let me hold her. Just this past year she finally allowed me to hold her and pet her. She started getting in my lap to be petted. She’d still get pissed if I dared to touch her feet and playfully bite at me but she’d made such progress. She even slept on my stomach one day for about an hour. I loved that cat so damned much. It’s breaking my heart.

After Boo we had Thibby so it wasn’t so odd. It seems so strange to not have a catpan and for the food pans to be gone. To not hear meows and begging for food. God help me, to not smell the stench when one of them would use the cat pan. You know it’s bad when you miss that! It’s so weird being catless…

Longtime No Post

A lot has happened since that goofy post about the butterfly. I think I was upset because of something I didn’t mention on the blog that I can see. On May 31st last year we were hit by a tornado. NOT a strong one but it did knock out power, suck the water out of the toilet, and rip the roof off of an apartment block next to us. It also ripped the siding off the side of our apartment. It was scary as fuck.

He Died

This seems silly in comparison to other events, my Uncles death, but I actually cried over that tiny little butterfly. In 49 years I’d never seen a dead butterfly. It’s heartbreaking. He was not formed correctly. Lord I feel so stupid for being teary eyed over this..

The butterflies are something we do for my son. His first word was butterfwies. Lol He loves them still. The thing about Rex is that I think it bothered him that he wasn’t “normal”. Oh he cared for him but I think he didn’t want to get too close. Especially after I explained that he’d probably live only a month. Bless his heart my son is a gentle sweet kid and I have no idea how he’s going to react to the death. He’s neve experienced death up close and personal.

For something that only lived thirty days he really worked his way into my heart. He actually had personality.. he’d get aggravated if I didn’t give him fresh wwatermelon on his time. When I’d put it in there he’d be all over it before I could set it down. Lol Crap…

I’ll admit it. I loved the little thing. I’ve got to get it together before the kid wakes up..

I hope there’s a butterfy heaven and he’s flying high.

Butterflies and Death

This week one of my favorite Uncles died. He was unique. Odd sense of humor and an all around great guy. That’s been hard. Emotional week.

On another front about a month ago we ordered some caterpillars to grow into butterflies. We’ve done it in the past and enjoyed it. This time we had problems. The container they were in was accidently knocked off a table. I think one of them died that day. The others we left alone hoping they’d be alright. Three of the others died as well.

We had one butterfly that survived but he wasn’t able to fly. I thought there was nothing as sad as a butterfly who couldn’t fly. I was wrong. The saddest thing is a butterfly who can’t fly who is dying. They only live a month and during that month I’ve gotten attached to the little thing. I’ve fed him (watermelon is his favorite), put flowers in his cage, and cut leaves for him. Not knowing if it’s a female of male we decided to call it Rex. We decided to keep him indoors knowing he’d be killed outside. It’s just sad…

First my Uncle and now… this week has sucked severely.

I Suck

Yadda yadda… been off the diet. Gained weight. Yech. Feel like crap. Clothes don’t fit right. Sciatica kicking my ASS the past few weeks. When you can’t stand up out of a frickin chair without wimpering it’s BAD. Can we say depressed? Can we say eating like a pig? Yuck.

Still feel like shit. What the HELL happened to May in Oklahoma?!? It was over 80 yesterday and as of right now it’s 40 degrees! Killing the back! I was sitting here feeling sorry for my ass and said screw it. Got up and walked on the wii. 1.1 miles. I’m lucky I made it THAT far!

I was going to lose the weight before my birthday. (Laughing Ass Off) Yeah, right! Personal issues and other shit decided that was NOT going to happen. *sigh* *depressed sigh* *pissedOFFsigh*

I walked. I’m drinking diet sprite and water. I will behave myself the rest of the day and hopefully tomorrow.


Crap. That’s how I feel right now. Like crap. Yesterday I woke up lying on top of my MP3 player. It was underneath my neck! Ouch. Still stiff. Audiobooks are my form of sleeping pill. It helps to have someone
droning on in my ear. I fall asleep easier. lol

I’ve already fucked up today by drinking DP. Gah. That shit is like fucking HEROIN. I’m not going to beat
the shit out of myself over it. It won’t help and it will only make it worse. I’ve been under UNGODLY amounts of stress the past 6 months between everyday life, legal wrangling over the estate, and sequestration.

I don’t think I have it in me to go all exercise/diet DI on myself today. Before I was so hard on myself that I started injuring myself while exercising. That sucked.

In between all the other crap I have to do today I think I’ll be nice to myself and plan what I’ll do tomorrow. I know I NEED to plan in advance. It’s sooo fucking easy to grab DP instead of having something else I CAN drink prepared. (Doesn’t help that my diet sprite is past it’s use by date. UGH. It’s awful! lol Yes, it’s been THAT long.)

I need to restart the diet/exercise train. The old girl has been sitting on the tracks in the rain. She’s rusted and her fire has gone cold.

Today I’ll clean her up, oil her, and restart the fire…

Holy cow!

I haven’t said anything here since November!

Being honest with myself here. I haven’t been on the diet. *sigh* Tons of stress over personal issues got to me. I also think I was so tough on myself before that it made me want to break free.

THIS time I’m going to be a little more lenient with myself. Not eating what I want but allowing myself to screw up without abusing myself. I also went at exercise hard core. Which ended up causing me to have multiple injuries. I think I need to remember that I’m a 48 year old woman and not a 20 year old volleyball player! lol

I started over today. Need to make some rules for myself.

1. No berating myself if I screw up with food. I’m human.
2. No exercising too hard or too long. Exercise should be beneficial it should not cause injuries.
3. No weighing myself every damned day. Not even every damned week. I will weigh myself when I feel the need. Perhaps even monthly.
4. I WILL eat to my glucometer.


Woke up this morning with backache. Since I had the epidural when having my son (13 freakin years ago!) if I sleep heavy and don’t move I wake up with pain. Also had an upset tummy with gas! Ugh! That explains the Dr Pepper.. it helped.

This time I’m trying to keep control of my portions. Smaller plates and bowls. It is so easy to screw up even while eating low carb food. Not checking blood sugar until I know it’s down a bit. lol Went nuts there for a few quite awhile. Regret it but letting it go! I can’t change it!

Breakfast: Dr Pepper/string cheese 1
Lunch: salad, some sliced ham cut into it, a few crackers (4), dressing, diet sprite

Walked: 1 1/2 miles
Jogged: 1/2 mile

Goal: 4 water bottles: 1 down

Flat Out bread chips

I was starving for something with crunch. Looked online and found some recipes for Flat out bread chips. Ehhh it’s not too bad. They DO crunch. Simple really. Put some olive oil in a sauce pan with some garlic powder. (You can add other things if you’d like.) Stir and slowly warm it over low heat. Brush it over a piece of flat out bread, both sides. Stack them up and cut them into whatever shape you want. Place on parchment paper lined cookie sheets. Bake for 8 – 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Store them in tightly covered container at room temp.

They’ll do.

Took a short break

Gained 10 – 12 pounds. UGH. Stress… gotta love it! lol

Today I start over.

Menu for today:
Breakfast: Okay I drank a Dr Pepper. I wasn’t awake and needed to see. I’ll do better tomorrow.
Lunch: Big mac in a bowl salad
Dinner: Maybe cheese enchiladas with crepes and a side salad
Snack: pudding

Exercise: None

Today is about getting off the sugar high. I dread it. I end up with a headache. I also won’t be weighing myself for two to three weeks. I’m not a fucking idiot. If it was bad I’d get all depressed and bury my face in a bowl of sugar! ROFL I will say this.. I didn’t go batshit and eat sugar loaded foods or my trigger foods (potatoes). I over ate diet food. lol

I HAVE been using the wii fit plus and running a mile or 1 1/2 miles a day. I’ll be adding walking back to the mix and other exercises that don’t use my shoulder. And of course I can ride my exercise bicycle.

I cancelled my Doc appointment for Nov 1. I told them it might be January before I can come in.. hell it may be February. We’ve been stressed over the legal wrangling over my FIL’s estate and my husband has lost two more relatives since my last visit to the Doctor. I need to get my head back in the game and get my ass in gear.

Butter Olive Oil Blend

I found the recipe in a cookbook but you can find recipes for it online. You blend softened unsalted butter and either olive oil or canola oil. It’s great stuff and better for you. The best thing about it is that I use it in cookies now as a substitute for pure butter. It works really well.

Speaking of cookies.. one of my favorite recipes is from Alton Brown. His chewy chocolate chip cookies. They’re made with bread flour which isn’t going to work for a low carb diet and it’s also loaded with butter. I attempted an adaptation of his recipe with whole wheat flour and the butter sub. Hubby loved them.

Pumpkin Schtuff

(Adapted a recipe from a famous can of pumpkin. I don’t bake it in a pie shell.)

1/2 cup sugar or 1/4 cup sugar OR (trying it with pure Stevia today = 1 tsp)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
(I generally use pumpkin pie spice because I never seem to have the individual spices needed. lol I use around 2 teaspoons or more if I want something really pumpkinny… lol)
1/2 cup egg beaters
1 can pumpkin puree (NOT pumpkin pie mix)
1 can evaporated milk

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Mix all ingredients together in a large bowl. Spray a pie plate or other desired baking container (ramekins, square cake pan, etc) with canola oil cooking spray (or equivalent). Pour mixture into pan. (If using ramekins I’d place them over a cookie sheet just in case. I hate cleaning my oven!)

Bake for 15 minutes. Reduce temperature to 350 degrees F. bake for 40 to 50 minutes or until knife inserted near center comes out clean. Cool on wire rack for 2 hours. Serve immediately or refrigerate.

*I’ve made it in the past with 1/4 cup of sugar and had a half cup of it as a snack at night to help with the morning effect (higher BG numbers). Worked fine and barely budges my numbers, but of course, YMMV. Not sure on the numbers but I believe it was around 13 to 15 carbs which works for me!

Enough of this stupid shit

I deleted 2 or 3 stupid “starting over” posts. For the past week I’ve been eating the right way and behaving myself. I haven’t been exercising yet.. although today while doing laundry I walked for 10 to 15 minutes waiting on a washer to finish a load. (Blood glucose was 84 just now) I’m going to start walking tomorrow and continue what I’m doing. No set mileage on the walking. I’ll walk as much as I can each day and that will be it. I’ll do the best I can before my appt at the Doctor in December.

oh and I’ve only gained .2 oz over 240. lol

Nother post later…

Attempted to remake a cookie recipe yesterday

I used Alton Brown’s “The Chewy” Chocolate chip cookie recipe and altered it. His cookies are the best in the world. I make them for giving all the time. I’ve had people ask for them they’re that popular. Problem is, as incredible as they are, they are a heart attack on a plate. lol I ate one last christmas and it drove my blood sugar up to 160. It NEVER gets that high!

Yesterday I was thinking and decided to try to adapt the recipe. I replaced bread flour with whole wheat pastry flour and 1/4 cup AP flour. I replaced the brown sugar with the splenda/sugar brown sugar replacement and replaced the sugar with splenda. It still has 2 sticks of butter in it and I used regular chocolate chips. Wow! They’re not really chewy but it made a really GOOD cookie! Hubster loved them. I’m testing the BG numbers after eating one today. (My mid morning snack. lol) Post here what I find out.

I just finished exercising so it might be elevated:

Pre cookie: 96
1 hr after cookie: 101

Woohoo! Cool! Only went up 5 points! This is a hell yeah baby! Definitely will post the adjusted recipe. I’d like to change the amount of butter by making something from the Diabetic Pastry Chef’s book.. a mix of butter and canola oil or olive oil.


I hate that word. How to describe it. At the intersection of my butt, thigh, and spine it feels like someone has taken a dagger, heated it, and if I move incorrectly they shove it in and twist it. If I move “wrong” it feels like an electric shock. Trust me you try NOT to move the wrong way! The whole leg feels kind of numb. When I have tried to stand up when the pain hits I will almost always drop back down to alleviate it. It is NOT pleasant and you get to where you fear that feeling. If I sit too long the leg aches if I stand too long the leg aches. Back when Russia was the USSR they supposedly gave political prisoners drugs that made them unable to sit still and then when they’d be almost insane from that they’d give them drugs to make them unable to move. Then they’d repeat it. That’s the way this feels. Insane.

My first experience with sciatica was the worst I think I’ve had. I spent one month either lying in bed or on the sofa. It drove me nuts that I couldn’t do a damned thing. At one point I even cried because I couldn’t wash dishes. I tried but I couldn’t. You know it’s bad when someone cries over not being able to wash the fucking dishes. An Aunt had a TENS unit that she let me borrow. It helped some but I tell you waking up in the middle of the night with the electrodes being directly in contact with your skin and shocking the shit out of you was NOT something I liked. Damn that hurt almost as much as the sciatica. During the day, in that long month, I’d have a tv tray with whatever I needed for the day. I spent the day alone with no help. I’d struggle to get up to go to the bathroom. I had a radio that I listened to and one day a show came on by a chiropractor. Low and behold he was talking about sciatica. He suggested two things for it. Lying on the floor and using a rolled up towel in the center of your back. Moving it slowly up and down that area taking your time. Or, this sounds so weird, putting a towel over the top of an interior door and hanging from the door. Lifting your feet off the ground. I blew it off but not long after that I was so damned frustrated that I tried hanging. It helped some and the pain was less severe. (I probably should mention that my Brother had an experience with sciatica too. I vividly remember going coat shopping with our Mother and he’d be walking and he’d suddenly start crouching. It was the pain. I SO understand that now.) Eventually the sciatica got better.

I did fine until I was pregnant. I remember the day I had the first pain and I just about cried because I knew exactly what it was. I was scared. The fear of this monster was incredible. My husband noticed I was walking oddly. Leaning one direction. I told my OB what the symptoms were and that I had an idea what it was. She said sciatica and my heart dropped. She told me to rest and then told me that I couldn’t take alleve for it. I could only use tylenol. I thought well hell just shoot me now! I think I ended up hanging from the door. Pregnant. I’m sure that was amusing to see.

Fast forward to today. I had been going thru a flareup of it and it was just about better. Hadn’t taken too long to get better. I was sitting here at my computer and I sneezed. ONE FUCKING SNEEZE! I felt that horrible stabbing sensation and wanted to scream. I made the mistake the other day of trying a heating pad. BAD idea. That night I could barely move. Ended up using ice packs. That alleviated some of it. Yesterday I used ice packs all day. It was fine, well it wasn’t ripping me a new asshole all day lets put it that way, until last night when it went all nasty on me again. Wolf chewing on your hip nasty. I can’t do laundry today. I know that. This weekend I need to go to the store. I refuse to use one of those scooter things in the store. I won’t. I think I’m going to get a cane. It makes you feel a bit more stable for some reason. Jesus, I was fucking running and now I can barely walk. It’s depressing. I can’t exercise which makes me upset. I’ve got until November 1st to get my ass in gear with the diet and exercise. I’m considering pushing my appointment back into December. That might give me enough time to get over this. I hate all of this. It sucks.

Food Log: 7/12/2012

Doing this to keep track of myself:

Dr. Pepper (No excuses I just wanted it!) Not hungry. Period.

Water (Moving on to water or tea w/stevia for the rest of the day)

Snack 9:30:
1/2 wasa w/tsp peanut butter (just enough to keep me going until noon)




Pudding (If I can manage to make it)

LOL After my death march at the zoo and hamburgers and pizza I LOST 2 pounds! 238.8 yeah, it’s not below 235 but I’ll take it after YESTERDAY! I’m NOT updating the tickers until I get where I should be. ;)

Walked 2.1 miles (Best I can do after yesterday. lol)